Wednesday, November 04, 2009

A little window into my heart...

My heart and head are full of lots of thoughts and emotions these days. Some good and some stressful. This summer Grayson was diagnosed with asthma. His main symptom is a cough when things aren't good. He has had a cough since at least Labor Day. So, we are on an intense regiment of medications that take about 30 minutes a day. And this little cough that I have become accustomed to in the years that I have been Grayson's mommy is now a sign to me many times a day that something is not okay within him. For the past month or so when I hear it, my shoulders literally tense up. I daily pump him with meds and pray that it goes away. Those meds have made him hyper and not sleep. They have changed our daily routines. And yet, he still coughs. It seems a wee better these days and he is sleeping again most nights, finally.

And life in general seems in flux. We are re-evaluating lots of things. We are seeking the Lord. What do you want our life to be like? What do you want for us and our kids? Where are we to be and what are we do be doing? Sometimes it is very clear others it is not. Hey, that is life right? I do love peace and comfort. I like to feel like everything is in it's place. I'm not there right now and it causes me to pray many, many times a day. That is a gift in this time. Prayer causes me to align myself with the Holy Spirit.

This Saturday marks 4 years since Brian died and that makes me think of heaven a little more than usual. The chaos that is my dailiness makes me want to be in heaven all the more. I feel a little weary with the sin and weight of the world. It makes it hard to do more than put one foot in front of the other. There are lots of great things like happy kids and trips and soccer games and a wonderful husband. It feels like just reporting those things wouldn't reflect the place of my heart at the moment. I'm not sad or down just pensive.

So, in the last days I have been listening to this song about heaven which brings much comfort. I will leave you with it.... Some lines that I like.

"When the last tear fades there is love, love, love." "When we look back on these tears they will just be old tales."

One day, my kid will be cough free forever and that will just be an old tale that I can hardly remember. What a beautiful day....

3 comments:

Lora said...

Sweet and poignant post! As I have gotten older, I strongly feel Heaven's pull. This world can leave us all weary!

Genna said...

You speak right into the hard places here, Melanie. I am with you in a big way. I always thought life would be a bunch of arrivals and achievements that brought clarity and certainty, but the older I get, the less this seems to be the case--though things are often better than I could have hoped! There are arrivals and achievements, to be sure; but they all call for a looser grip on this world and this life than my instincts want. And they all come with strange sadness and happiness mixed up in the most unexpected ways. I'm longing for heaven with you, friend. And then not. But then I am again. Sigh.

Jane-Ellis said...

Melanie, I know what you mean about your shoulders tensing up. I can physically feel my worry for my children. The back of my neck and behind my ears gets really hot. I find this especially to be the case when it involves how well one of my children is breathing. For many years, I lacked desire for heaven because I liked this life so much -- then I became a mom of beautiful, but broken children. . . Thank you for sharing your heart.