A little window into my heart...

My heart and head are full of lots of thoughts and emotions these days. Some good and some stressful. This summer Grayson was diagnosed with asthma. His main symptom is a cough when things aren't good. He has had a cough since at least Labor Day. So, we are on an intense regiment of medications that take about 30 minutes a day. And this little cough that I have become accustomed to in the years that I have been Grayson's mommy is now a sign to me many times a day that something is not okay within him. For the past month or so when I hear it, my shoulders literally tense up. I daily pump him with meds and pray that it goes away. Those meds have made him hyper and not sleep. They have changed our daily routines. And yet, he still coughs. It seems a wee better these days and he is sleeping again most nights, finally.

And life in general seems in flux. We are re-evaluating lots of things. We are seeking the Lord. What do you want our life to be like? What do you want for us and our kids? Where are we to be and what are we do be doing? Sometimes it is very clear others it is not. Hey, that is life right? I do love peace and comfort. I like to feel like everything is in it's place. I'm not there right now and it causes me to pray many, many times a day. That is a gift in this time. Prayer causes me to align myself with the Holy Spirit.

This Saturday marks 4 years since Brian died and that makes me think of heaven a little more than usual. The chaos that is my dailiness makes me want to be in heaven all the more. I feel a little weary with the sin and weight of the world. It makes it hard to do more than put one foot in front of the other. There are lots of great things like happy kids and trips and soccer games and a wonderful husband. It feels like just reporting those things wouldn't reflect the place of my heart at the moment. I'm not sad or down just pensive.

So, in the last days I have been listening to this song about heaven which brings much comfort. I will leave you with it.... Some lines that I like.

"When the last tear fades there is love, love, love." "When we look back on these tears they will just be old tales."

One day, my kid will be cough free forever and that will just be an old tale that I can hardly remember. What a beautiful day....

Keeping it real!

You know I haven't blogged much because sometimes real life gets in the way and that is good. I have been busy with sick kids and laundry and freezer meals. I was happily putting my little life in order on Monday when my social work life called. My business got busy and I had to let go of my mommy life and work. A lot. And God is faithful as always. I totally lost my feeling of control on home life to do some much needed work. I love being a social worker and got the joy of serving as one a lot in the last 48 hours. God reminded me of the gifts He has given me.

I was also reminded that He always has my back. I couldn't pick my kids up, today. The wonderful people at school loved on my kids for 10 hours instead of 8. They were happy. My sweet friend gave my kids money for after school snacks. My sweet husband changed his schedule to pick them up and make mac and cheese. I got to serve another and that was a priviledge. Tomorrow I will likely get to do it again.

I think in my dailiness I get this feeling of control. I put the laundry in these little piles and the dishes in the dishwasher and I bring snacks to my kids when I pick them up. I feel all happy and in control. I'm not. Right now, I am stepping over clothes and about to put my dirty dish on the top of the pile of dirty dishes and sleep a next to my husband. And I feel like I am right where I need to be in the hands of my Heavenly Father trusting that He will parent when I can't and that He will hear my prayers. I didn't get to do dinner and hear about Grayson's field trip today. I didn't even see Lillian wake tonight, but someone else did and that was good. I am often more aware of God's love for me and mine in chaos than in order. I will hopefully sleep a good sleep tonight knowing that God is caring for my family all the time even when I am caring for someone else's. That is a good place to be. The parenting gig isn't 18 years then a launch to freedom at graduation. It is a million little launches of them trusting that they will be provided for when you aren't there. I will not always be there, but God who loves them way, way more than me will be and He will write their perfect story in ways that I would not. It will be a better story.

Pumpkin Time

It is feeling like fall here and Peter is currently hauling in firewood. First fire tonight. I am thrilled. So, I have been feeling very pumpkin-e and soup-e. I made pumpkin bars for a shower this morning. Last night I had prepared pumpkin curry soup. It sounded good on paper. When I told Peter what was for dinner last night, he took us out to dinner. Awesome! Well, I still have the soup, so it is dinner tonight. I had to force the kids to eat five bites. I forced myself to eat half a bowl. GAG! Think pumpkin baby food. Peter hasn't eaten. I am going to wait and see what happens. I will not be surprised to see the pizza delivery guy later. Oh well, you can't when them all. There will not be leftovers tomorrow.

Pirate quotes

G came out of his room at 8:45 p.m.

G: Mama, I just can't go to sleep. Someone with a hook is knocking on my window.

Perhaps pirate books are not bedtime stories. He climbed in my snugglie bed and was out in 30 seconds.

Big News!

Lillian scored her first goal in her soccer game, today. Her team won 2 to 1. Unbelievable! Peter and I were freaking out. I was jumping up and down and screaming. Peter was trying to play it cool because he is the coach. She was really excited and I think a wee bit surprised that it actually happened. Sadly, she developed an earache this afternoon and is feeling pretty down and out this evening.

It is really wonderful to see Lillian enjoying soccer so much and thriving on the field. I had no idea she would end up loving soccer. We are all hooked! Sorry for the lack of pictures, but soccer is way to intense to be using the camera. You have to cheer the whole time.

Crack up!

Lillian did a little trim work on her hair this week. First time in seven years, I find that shocking. " I really wants bangs..." Now she has a few. A quote of her pleading her case...

Lillian: Mama, everyone in our family has bangs...You, daddy, Grayson. (as she pulls her hair apart to reveal her forehead) My head is just empty!

Grayson and I just fell out laughing. She joined us when she realized what she said.

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Mommy slip up. Sometimes it happens to the best of us. It may happen to me more than the average mommy. Sometimes what I am thinking just comes right out of my mouth without a filter.

Me: Lillian what did you have for hot lunch at school?

Lillian: Orange Sherbet and Tuna melt

Me: Oh gross! (gagging noise)

She looked bewildered and then started laughing.

Lillian: It really wasn't that good, mama. Would you eat that if you went to someone's house for dinner and they served it?

Me: (Two times in a row.) NO!

For the record, tuna is about the only thing in the world I hate other than milk. And I would probably try to eat it if forced.

Mama and G on his apple picking field trip

Grayson and I got to go apple picking with his class. It was a beautiful trip and lots of fun minus a bee sting to best friend Jack. I have an apple pie in the oven now. Yummy! Feels and now smells like Fall. Click the flick link on the side for more pics from the day.

Queen Lillian

Queen Lillian
Originally uploaded by Melanie Maynor.

This seven year old was dubbed queen for the day. As her birthday surprise, she got to dress her whole family up fancy and have high tea at the Ritz Carlton. It was a sweet time and a memory I will treasure. Her eyes were so wide at times. It was truly fancy.

She got to pick the after party. We made a quick change, but Lillian stayed all dressed. She picked the arcade. This was a super fun day and a great way to start Lillian's seventh year.

Click this picture to see the whole set of Lillian's tea party.

Let the fun begin...

So, Lillian will be seven tomorrow. Where did the time go? I mean really. So, she has requested to not have a birthday party, a birthday cake or family birthday dinner. She my have opinions. Shocker! Keep an eye out. We have a surprise planned for Saturday. I hope she loves it. We are going to breakfast in the morning with a friend who shares her birthday and age and happens to be in her class this year. Oh, so cool! We will be celebrating for the next three days. I love it! Peter and I were just talking about how very big she seems. Happy, Happy Birthday my sweet Lillian! You have made my life so much richer. It is a joy to be your mama!

Go Lions!

Lillian had her first soccer game this past weekend. She did AWESOME! I mean really awesome. Peter is the coach and he also did a GREAT job. I might add he looked super cute and sporty, too.

A quote: Mom, when I was out there running I could hear you YELLING. "GO LILLIAN!"

I was a little out of control as a soccer mom. Too much some might say. I was too much in some good ways and in some bad ways. I am hoping to get the soccer mom gig down by this weekend. Now, I just need a t-shirt!