Monday, October 09, 2006

Can (not so) good

Our Sabbath started with a can good falling out of the new pantry onto Lillian's big toe. She screamed and cried and was clearly in much pain for about two hours. Peter stayed home from church with the kids to take care of Lillian. She perked up a little, but never really felt great. She woke up in the night saying her toe hurt. It had turned blue/black under the nail.

As an aside, my dreams of becoming a doctor started early and at 14 I became a youth volunteer at our local hospital. I was clear that I wanted to be assigned to the ER. That is where the action is after all. Well, on my first day a large, strong man came in with a fingernail that was the same blue/black color of Lillian's. He had hit it with a hammer. They explained that they would relieve the pressure by poking a hot needle through his fingernail. It really was not gross at all. I think there was one drop of blood. The man, however, seemed to be in a lot of pain. I kept thinking over and over again about how much it must hurt. And then, I started to feel this warm, fuzzy feeling. Later, I learned this happens shortly before you pass out. You guessed it, I hit the floor. Five stitches and a jaw x-ray later I was reconsidering the medical field. Clearly, this toenail incident was my worst/most-embarrassing nightmare come back to haunt me. Yesterday, the thought and sight of it made want to faint and/or puke.

Well, Lillian went to school this morning and did okay. This afternoon during "nap" time she was complaining about her toe. I took a deep breathe and looked. It was looking a little infected? and red. I called the doctor. The nurse suggested that we would probably have to go to the ER to have the pressure relieved. I started crying. Another ER visit. It isn't even August. I thought we were going to skip it this year. I can't deal with this pressure relieving thing. Give me stitches. Well, about an hour and one panic attack later. Of course, Peter had to go to work. I was told that it could be done by one of the doctors in our pediatrician's practice. Awesome. We just saved hundreds of dollars. I could pass out in front of people who knew me. I rushed Grayson to Susan's and we we off.

I don't know what he did, but the doctor relieved the pressure. I held Lillian and closed my eyes. She cried out a little and squeezed my arm really hard, but was very brave. Later, she told me that he stuck a "shot" in her toe and pulled out some blood. She is way stronger than I will ever be. It was infected, hence the change today. She will be on antibiotics for ten days and will likely not even lose her toenail.

Susan fed the kids dinner upon my return and Lillian played happily. She bounced back quickly. After being convinced to take the medicine, she fell asleep quickly. She was exhausted. She is so brave and strong. It is a pro and a con. Today, a pro.

Just the other night, I was thinking about how hard it is to see your children be sick or suffer. Mine rarely are and I can't stand it. It made me think of God and how unbearable his pain must have been to watch Jesus suffer. It took all of my will power to allow a little extra pain to Lillian for an outcome that I knew was in her best interest. I can't imagine at all what it would be to let her die to save the whole world. I can't even imagine letting her die to save those I love the most. The other night, I was brought to tears thinking about how God turned his face from Jesus to save me. Me, crazy, insecure mother of two. If this were the only profound thought that came from being a mother, it would be worth it.

I often think of my blog and worry that it is good birth control for most that read it. At the end of yet another crazy day, I would have them again a million times over. They teach me daily about life and love. Many days, they are the cause of me falling on my knees saying, "God please help me. I can't do this." Shortly, before my friend Beth came over to hang with Lillian so I could run back to the pharmacy Lillian said, "Mama, you look frustrated." "Oh Lillian, I am not frustrated at all. I am just worn out and worried about you." "I'm okay mama." In her lifetime, she will no doubt teach me a zillion life lessons. And she is worth every gray hair. To think that my Lord loves me infinitely more than I love Lillian and Grayson is more than I can comprehend.


Marianna said...

A good friend of mine here said that parenting is by far one of the most sanctifying experiences we can have on earth. I agree. Our children are a gift and are an awesome daily reminder of the goodness of God on so many levels. Thanks for sharing that (and no, we do NOT think of your blog as birth control - merely sanity control that we're not the only ones - and remember - you aren't either!)

Maryhelen said...

Oh, what a testimony of yours and Lillians. I am so thankful.