Friday, August 05, 2011

Oh, the journey

I am sure that all of you are looking to me to open up the reservation line so that you may come to my house to stay or for dinner, or book club or anything. This is not that blog. The house isn't finished. I don't know when it will be. Whenever I ask, they say two weeks. They have been saying two weeks for 6 weeks. Silly me- I thought this was about construction. It is NOT. It is about my heart and about God wanting ALL of me. Many of you know my story... there is plenty of joy and plenty of real suffering. In the last couple of years, God has really shown Himself to me. That is awesome! So I believe that He is the God of my fertility, my extended family, etc. I've learned to pray A LOT. It seems like that would be good. And it is, but I am realizing that God wants more. He wants to prove that He is the God of all of my life. He is the God of the night time. I have to pray myself to sleep because since the fire I am scared of what will happen when I close my eyes. I'm NOT in control of the night time. I thought I was for some time, but I'm not. I have to pray my kids to sleep because they are scared particularly Lillian. I've always felt in control of my house, but He is proving to be the God of my house, too. My house is not a peaceful place anymore. It has scars from fire and water and plaster dust and many, many men who come and work everyday for the last eight months. It is a place of chaos. I used to have my runs where I would go out and space out or free base in my mind. I no longer have that. That time must be used to pray for peace for me, my house, my family, etc.

The truth is that I have realized that I am angry and sad about these things lately. It is a BIG step to say I'm sad and not just angry. I want my peace back and my privacy and my comfort. My life is so out of my control that all I can do is pray and complain. I'm discovering that complaining gets me no where. I've tried. Believe me. Ask Peter. What's changing? In the past I would think that God doesn't love me because life isn't easy. The funny thing is I pray for little things like tile to come in on Tuesday and it does and floors to be finished on Saturday and they are. I know God hears my prayers and He answers them.

He wants ALL of me. He wants my runs, my house, my kid's bedtime, my interactions with you, my husband, the daytime, the nighttime, etc. ALL OF ME! I'm raging against that. His response is "Melanie, I will not stop until I am the God of all of you." Yikes! This reno will end sooner or later and I will return to some level of comfort, but He will have more of me. That is a good thing. I am in a season of Him taking more of me and that is a good and painful place to be. The funny thing is that all of these years into my journey I have been given a window into realizing this means He loves me MORE than I will know this side of heaven. So, there is joy in the journey. Not happiness or ease, but deep lasting joy that means my Saviour loves me deeply and that this life is about WAY more than what appears to be in front of me. I would like for you to pray that it will all end as in my house will be finished and it will be a place of peace. That is the prayer of my old self. The Melanie in process is beginning to know that you should pray that I will surrender to my Heavenly Father who has much more for me and mine. Pray for that.

This life is a marathon not a sprint. I've run far enough to tell you that the first three stink and that when you get to five it is glory. Then eight is a transition. I'm at eight. There are many miles to go, but the first eight are not pocket change. Pray for more of Jesus to be revealed. That is infinitely more important than a peaceful house and at the end of the day it is what I really want. You will need to remind me of that and I will remind you. Isn't it great that this life isn't all that there is?


peter said...

I love you, Melanie

Lisa S. said...

I love you too! I know this has been such a difficult time for your family. At least you have it all chronicled on the blog. Hopefully one day you will be able to look back and read it and laugh. Right now it is so "raw", but one day it won't be. It will just be another way God grew you closer to him.

Anonymous said...

This was really inspiring to read! Thank you!