Fixer

I'm a fixer.  I love to fix things or take care of things.  I love to fix people dinner, I love to solve problems for people and I love to make things better.  I am a social worker and a mom.  My main role in life is to solve problems and to not panic.  I think most days I am able to do this.  I can clearly think of a solution and move toward it.  And yesterday started with a new four year old who needed a check up and a couple of vaccines.  No problem.  Take him to the doctor for the check-up and get the shots.  Now, we have fixed him from getting measles, mumps, rubella and chicken pox.  CHECK.  Now, let's move on to an Easter outfit.  CHECK.  Now, let's pick up his sister from school and go make dinner.  This should have been two more easy checks.  Right?  This is where things started to go off course.

Grayson started vomiting in the car just as we pulled out of the car pool line.  He didn't look good.  He didn't feel good.  He was off.  And it seemed like such a drastic turn from happy little guy.  We came home and I cleaned him up.  He still just didn't seem right.  His lips looked blue.  I felt like something was wrong.  Did the shots cause it?  I had called the nurse at his doctor's office and she said not to worry about the vomiting.  Well, I consulted my trusted advisors including my husband who said call back.  The office was now closed and the on call nurse said to go the ER immediately.  She said not to pass an ER for a "better" ER and to take my cell so I could call 911 if something happened on the way.  And as I dumped Lillian on my friend Rachel and raced to the ER, I became acutely aware that I could not fix this.  I had more terror in the few minutes than I think I have ever felt.  Is he going to stop breathing right, now?  Is this going to get really worse or really better?  All I could do was hurry and pray that God would have mercy on Grayson and on me.  And he did.  By the time they checked his vitals, he was fine and he started to perk up.  His lips turned normal.   The doctor didn't know what happened and said even if it were a reaction from the shots that it seemed to have passed.  He looked totally fine and we were sent home.

What was that about?  Did I over-react?  Well, maybe the on-call nurse did, but I reacted like someone who suddenly felt that her son's life was in very real danger.  I'll be honest with you, that nurse scared the Holy Shit out of me.  Have you ever seen a mama cow?  I grew up on a cattle farm and mama cows will run you over to get to their calves.  It is very hard to keep them away from their babies.  I am so much like a mama cow.  I feel that I would do anything to keep my children from harm.  That inner power rarely has to be truly tapped into, but it is there.  I try to exude the fact that I will kill you if you hurt my kid, so don't think about it.  I have truly wanted in my sin nature to rough up a first grader that has picked on Lillian.  I won't, but that is there.  I think God put it there because our job is to protect.  Protect all day in a million ways and we become dull to it.  We save life with out thinking.  It is the gig, right?

I really want to make complete sense of why Grayson had that reaction to prevent it in the future and to give myself some closure.  I'm pretty sure that is not going to happen.  I don't think we will ever really know.  And for me that begs the question.  Is it a spiritual issue?  Does God want me to take something away from it?  Almost certainly.  I think I will need some time to process the lesson or lessons.  I know a few things.  I love Grayson deeply.  That was very clear.  My husband loves Grayson and me very deeply and he trusts my mom instincts.  He never questioned them at all.  I also know that I am praying constantly this week for two mom friends whose children are in situations that they can not fix.  I have been given even more compassion and desire to pray for God to intervene.  I also know that this weekend is Easter and the He has Risen to give me hope.  This life isn't it.  I am not the one who really fixes.  God uses me as a tool sometimes, but he is the great Fixer.