Thursday, April 09, 2009

Treasures in the Darkness

Today marks 11 years since my mom went home to heaven.  It is so hard to believe it has been that long since I've heard her voice or held her hand.  Many, many days and years have passed and yet the ache is still there.  It isn't as strong as it once was on a daily basis, but it can hit me suddenly without warning and will be as real and painful as the day she died.  Last week, I was in the bathroom at Central church.  I commented on the loveliness of another woman's jacket.  She replied, "Isn't it great when your mom buys you clothes."  And just like that I was hit with deep sadness.  I would love for my mom to buy me some clothes or just be part of my life.  In all things even the darkness of grief, I have found that there are treasures.

Let me tell you about some of mine...  You know how when you dig a hole on the beach with sand and then the water comes and it is suddenly full again.  Sometimes all at once and sometimes after a couple of waves?  Well, the void of my mother is like that.  It never is quite full like it was before the hole, but it is never quite as empty like it was before the first wave.  My mom doesn't buy me clothes anymore, but my aunt does, or my grandmothers, or my dad, or my husband.  And those clothes are just as treasured.  And there are millions of little things that I would have called my mom about for insight or assistance.  Instead of her, I have my team of experts.  That hole opens up a place for many women to stand in the gap from parenting advise to cooking to friendships and any number of things.  I have deeper more beautiful relationships with many women because of that hole.  And that is a treasure.  That hole bought my stepmother along who delights in me and my family in many ways.  It brought my stepbrothers who love my children dearly.  It allows me to face death with others with more confidence.

That hole makes me long for heaven in ways that I could never have imagined before.  It is by far the bigger treasure.  I want to know about heaven and be in heaven even more because my mom lives there.  It had seemed like a distant land and often fairy tale-ish before my mom lived there.  For God to allow me to loose my mom to learn more about Himself and heaven was a severe mercy, but one I would not trade.

This year God has been flooding my life with new mercies through the Sonship bible studies and relationships.  I am more aware everyday that this life is a journey to grow in relationship with my Savior.  Just about everything that happens is about that relationship.  And I am very thankful that this life is not it and that my journey is leading me Home to a place where there will be no more sorrow.

The year my mom died, she was bound and determined that she would go to worship for Easter.  And my feeble little brain knew that we would never change her mind.  She was very stubborn.  How will we get someone so near death to church?  I kept thinking she would make us drag her there.  I think she knew she would make it all along and it just took me a while to 'get' it.   She died on a Thursday and that following Sunday was Easter.  What a great weekend to meet Jesus face to face!  This year plays out the same and I am missing her and mourning, but on Sunday I will be reminded that He is Risen and death is ended.  And there will be no more darkness only light.


Lisa S. said...

I am crying. I love your perspective on life and death and I could relate to so many of the things you said. Our moms are so missed, but I can only imagine that they are smiling that we have found each other!

Perret Party of Four said...

Thank you for your sweet reflection and sharing your heart. I look forward to meeting Miss Joan in heaven one day, whom I've heard so much about.

Perret Party of Four said...

And I forgot to say that we're going through Sonship as well and it has been such a blessing to our marriage and life.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Melanie for reminding us of joy comes in the morning! Love, Aunt Barbara

"See, What a Morning" (Resurrection Hymn)
Words and Music by Keith Getty and Stuart Townend
Copyright © 2003 Kingsway Thankyou Music

See, what a morning, gloriously bright,
With the dawning of hope in Jerusalem;
Folded the grave-clothes, tomb filled with light,
As the angels announce, "Christ is risen!"
See God's salvation plan,
Wrought in love, borne in pain, paid in sacrifice,
Fulfilled in Christ, the Man,
For He lives: Christ is risen from the dead!

See Mary weeping, "Where is He laid?"
As in sorrow she turns from the empty tomb;
Hears a voice speaking, calling her name;
It's the Master, the Lord raised to life again!
The voice that spans the years,
Speaking life, stirring hope, bringing peace to us,
Will sound till He appears,
For He lives: Christ is risen from the dead!

One with the Father, Ancient of Days,
Through the Spirit who clothes faith with certainty.
Honor and blessing, glory and praise
To the King crowned with pow'r and authority!
And we are raised with Him,
Death is dead, love has won, Christ has conquered;
And we shall reign with Him,
For He lives: Christ is risen from the dead!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your insights about your mom and Heaven. I feeel like half of my heart is in Heaven where Allen and Brian are. My mother-in-law whom I dearly loved died on Good Friday when Peter was 3. I still miss her greatly and wish she could see the boys and their children and their happiness. And I thank you and God again for the happiness you have brought into Peter's life.

Love, Maryhelen

Sara D. said...

Melanie...that is absolutely beautiful and amazing. I hope you are having an awesome Easter.

Andi said...

Thanks for sharing your heart. I love you.

Starrla said...

What a beautiful post, Melanie. I love your image of the hole on the beach--I totally get what you're trying to say, but I would never have thought of using that image to describe it! I also like your phrase "severe mercy"--a strange coupling of words, but it really rings true! Missed spending Easter with you this year--I hope it was really wonderful!

Anonymous said...

I love you, dear mel, and rejoice that God has given you this peace and fortitude. I can only imagine the party the day your mom welcomes you to the real Home. Sarah B.