Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Hello, Goodbye

Things are really turning around on the sleep front at our house. Grayson went down very easily last night and twice, today. A good night's sleep did wonders for all of us. In my lament over my "baby" becoming a little boy, I missed a few things. My mind was full of thoughts about the baby and crib years being over. How could he be two already? I was starting to be given to sadness and distrought about my lack of feeling in control. I forgot what I have learned in my life about goodbyes. They close doors and they open new ones. With every goodbye in my life, leaving home, mama dying, moving to St. Louis, getting married, starting a new prayer group, I said goodbye to some things and new and wonderful things happened. I am no way saying that those were not really hard, sad, painful things to do, but in the last few days I was getting stuck on the waving goodbye part. When you leave something or someone, you get in the car, look back and wave. And then, you turn forward and look at the road ahead and enjoy the view in front of you. In the last twenty-four hours, I have started to look at the view in front of me. The "difficulties" of the last few days made me e-mail my mom friends from Grace and Peace and cry out for prayer, love, comfort, support. And my 'hello' from them has been hugs, almost hourly e-mails, much prayer and compassion. It has been all joy to give up my facade of control and to be surrounded by their love. They know what it's like. They have been there. And that is why it is their priviledge to serve me this week. Next week, it will hopefully be my priviledge to serve them.

I have frankly been surprised at my emotions about this new phase. I like to think I can override my emotions, but thankfully sometimes they get the best of me and I am reminded of my dependence on Christ and my community. I also get to grieve my loss and embrace new joy. My new joy with little boy Grayson is letting him walk and holding his hand rather than carrying him. It is gettting in his bed and reading books rather than doing that on the couch. It is having little conversations with him and watching him enjoy the world apart from me. It is this neat little thing that God does of allowing sorrow so you can have joy. This is such a small example of that even from my own life..... Goodbye baby Grayson and hello little boy Grayson, you are such a joy.


Andi said...

now you're making me cry. seriously, you are. this is such a bitter-sweet entry. i love watching you mother your children. it teaches me so much about the mom i'd like to be.

Tirzah said...


Missy said...

oh my, i know i am a little "extra" emotional right now but i really did cry reading your wonderful insights in this entry! You have no idea how much I needed to hear everything you had to say. You really spoke to my heart.